Tough Week

It's been a rough week. I've felt sold down the river-- completely betrayed and for reasons completely beyond my control my credit rating, while still good, is damaged and I had nothing to do with it.

Worse yet, I have to PAY to work on SATURDAY. The culture of my department is strange sometimes. I hope to change this tradition of PAYING TO WORK ON A SATURDAY.

One of my best friends can't talk to me because of family issues and my massage therapist is sick so....I ran and vacuumed and worked like crazy today to keep myself from thinking about the past week.

Thank goodness for things like chocolate, wonderful sheets and a decent place to live. I know I have a lot to be thankful for but this week has really kicked my butt.

Aging

My dad is 82 years old. He is one of the most optimistic, loving people I know.

This week, I realized, he is permanently in "old age land." Why it took me so long, I don't know. He's had bypass surgery and stents put in his arteries and bladder cancer treatments. His mobility has been increasingly limited.

Now he talks a lot about his health, his doctor's appointments, and his exercise routine.

What made me realize his dependence on my mom was her inability to visit me this past weekend because of my Dad's health-related issues. That has never happened before. I am sure it will happen on an increasing basis. My grandmother lived (with Parkinson's disease) until age 89. Most of that side of the family lives into their late 80s or early 90s. So, perhaps I will have a few more years with him. I hope so.

9/11 remembered

I was in Buffalo, NY 5 years ago. Teaching. I heard about the attacks when a colleague came by and told me. I listened on NPR as the story unfolded.

School was cancelled but not before a fire drill occurred. It had been scheduled weeks before. It really unsettled people because they had no idea whether it was related to the attacks or not (even though Buffalo is 460 miles from NYC.)

People said they lost their innocence. I didn't. I was sad and horrified-- but to think the US was immune from this kind of attack was naive in my estimation.

I remember going home that day and not wanting to watch TV or do much of anything. I didn't watch much TV because it was evidence of a recurring nightmare on American soil. I also had the luck that I did not have family or friends in NYC or on Flight 93. My students weren't so lucky. We spent time deconstructing the attack in class somewhat. I remember students who were in the National Guard having to leave class and be absent for a period of time.

I am no longer in New York. But the day sticks with me.

Dream Therapy

I have another blog only visible to friends and family where I ranted about all the things that pissed me off this week. I won't go into it here.

However, I went to bed last night and had a very vivid dream about screaming at a doctoral student who dropped me as his major professor and didn't bother to tell me. The dropping didn't bother me. It was the fact that he didn't tell me that set me off.

There is actually a student who has done this. I haven't seen him since classes ended in Fall 2005. I gave him an assistantship which funded him for a year from a grant I got and I spent a lot of time mentoring him when we co-taught a class together.

I am of no more use to him so he is gone, I think. I'm not even sure if I'm on his committee anymore. Again, the being kicked off the committee or being dethroned as his major professor does not bother me. His not telling me really pisses me off.

I have not screamed at him in real life. I won't if I ever see him again. However, it felt really great to work it out though this dream.

September I remember

For me, fall starts in September. School has started. Most county fairs have passed yet the weather is still nice where I live. There is a sense of newness and renewal.

In recent years, my sense of optimism and newness has been tempered with the rememberance of the attack on the United States on 9/11/2001. I lived in the State of New York at the time, but not in New York City. Many people said they lost a sense of innocence because of that event. I did not. Evidently, my sense of safety and innocence had been lost before 9/11.

September is perhaps my second favorite month behind May and I plan to enjoy every moment of it.